Beginning of this year, I had been talking to a very pretty boy online and via text. The first two dates we had set we had to cancel due to bad weather and the fact that he would have to drive from NJ. Finally we met up, and he was not only quite tall and ridiculously skinny, but had quite feminine features. Everywhere we went, waiters would immediately say "Ladies...oh whoops!" We flirted heavily while texting one evening; he brought along a friend on a date (?), then was bitching about why I wouldn't make out with him at the bar. I laughed, "I'm not a fan of making out in public, and I've been the third wheel on nights out too many times. I didn't want to make your friend uncomfortable. AND WHY DID YOU BRING HIM?!"
The next weekend we finally were alone. He also still lived at home, despite being closer to 30 than anyone I've dated before or since. Pretty disappointing all 'round, and I'm just gonna leave it at that. A couple days later he texts and says "I don't see romance in the picture." After waiting 10 minutes and letting my head process everything, I responded "I agree, but who said anything about romance anyway?" Looking back now, I wonder what I found attractive - I like my pretty-boy rock stars, but DAMN this guy put them all to shame, and that's even without him wearing makeup. We also had barely anything in common, so I have no idea how we kept talking for close to 2 months. He's in a metal band, and that has NEVER been my scene.
Next was a nerdy boy who seemed rather interesting, and we geeked out over foreign films. Then he took me to a dance night where I happened to meet a number of his friends. They immediately took a liking to me. While listening to the band at the club, my date put his arms around me, which was lovely. Then we started dancing...and making out. Suddenly he says "Come home with me." I was supposed to have work the next day, but it was already 12:30 am and I'd need to get the bus and then have my mom pick me up. The bane of living in the suburbs. So I asked "Where do you live?" He was only a few blocks away. I called my supervisor and feigned illness. Decided there's a first time for everything. However, he failed to be "prepared". Ahem. His excuse: "You said you're on the Pill, right? I don't use condoms with girls I'm dating if they're on the pill." I stared at him and crossly stated, "Fine and dandy. I guess I understand that reasoning...BUT I AIN'T YOUR GIRLFRIEND." Tsk tsk.
Yet he still let me stay over til late the next day, considering we were up til like 5 AM. I didn't leave til about 3, since we were on and off sleeping. A couple of days later he called to ask if I wanted to go see a singer/songwriter. Then he was awkward the next week, suddenly saying "I'm not ready for a relationship" which again, I had never expressly asked for. Then we go to see a band that he had gotten me into, and says "I met someone the same time as you, and I've seen her more often, so...don't let that stop you from hanging out with So-and-So, they're cool." This group of friends I'd met on our first date had become fond of me quickly, inviting me to parties. Sure enough, the next week after this falling-out, those friends asked me what happened - and said "We're not even close with him anyway. He's kind of a twerp." Here it is 7 months later, I've spent lots of time with this group of people - and NEVER run into him. It's awesome. All I've heard about his lady is that they look A LOT alike, to the point where it's Narcissus trying to kiss his reflection. Bizarre.
Meanwhile, that brings us to the present: last week I again had 3 dates with 3 different boys - for the 4th time this year. (All the other boys I haven't spoken of weren't even WORTH mentioning. The end.) One of the most recent guys is very much into me, to the point of kissing me on the cheek before I hopped on the train. More affection than I've received in quite some time, so that was shocking. T. and I are still trying to hang out again, though with him working retail around the holidays, this may be hard to organize. Of COURSE when we start hanging out again he has to work on weekends; not like earlier this year when I'm stupidly hung up on the totally wrong dudes, and T. was completely available all the time. Oh fate/coincidence, you get in the way sometimes!
WHAT I'VE LEARNED: I'm no longer analyzing every second of a date to figure out how or why it didn't blossom into anything. Too many people have told me you just KNOW when you meet someone special, and it's simply that I haven't yet. But the fact that I've had at least 12 different guys ask me out this year is definitely a first, so I'm doing SOMETHING right as opposed to the last few years...!
NEXT TIME: Onward to a Not-Just-Dating entry - red flags for you single girls online; the importance of being busy; and the concept of "Restless Mind Syndrome".
Friday, November 25, 2011
Friday, November 18, 2011
How to Simultaneously Casually-Date AND Be Exclusive with the Same Person
I've joked that my theme song should just be "Summer Lovin'" from Grease, since the summer is the only time I have somebody steady so far in my dating life. This year, it was K. He was like my frat boy/hipster "boyfriend" (i.e. drinking was involved in the majority of our dates, and he was faux-sensitive.)
Our first 3 dates were fantastic, even though they were extremely casual. Maybe that's what I liked about them. He made me laugh like very few people do - to the point of tears. Went for drinks, and he invited me to the house that he was watching and dogsitting (for a wealthy couple down toward South Street). Met a couple of his friends, played Wii, blared music, and just talked. Stayed over, and I walked him to work where he kissed me before I went off to my mom's office. Surprisingly he called me the next day and we talked for a couple of hours. Next day was Easter, he texted to check in and asked if I wanted to meet him the next day after he was off work to hang at the dogsitting house. We watched the Phillies lose on TV, started watching a movie and immediately got distracted.
Spent the majority of the next day together, going to breakfast (where he decided he needed to tell me his entire romantic history...retrograde RED FLAG!), hanging out, and again he kissed me before hopping on the trolley to his apartment. Then the NEXT night called to say he didn't have work the following day; did I want to stay over? I of course did. So I arrived, and the second I entered his room it started POURING outside. We started by watching "Purple Rain" as it had become a source of hilarity between us.
A short while later, being shy to ask "are we dating or what" (but figuring, accurately, that I WAS the only girl he was seeing since he was working otherwise), I offhandedly asked "So...ARE you seeing anyone else?" He said no, I said the same, and didn't push the issue. Two days later we had a crazy evening of barhopping where I got a little sloppy, but we had LOTS of fun. He suddenly says "Thinking about what you said the other day - "
(And here my mind immediately went to worst-case scenario, "HE'SALREADYBREAKINGTHISOFFOHGODWHY")
"-I'm having fun, I like you, and I want to be exclusive. What do you think?" I thought for a second and went "Uhhhh, yes!" Thus began and ended the only serious convo we had as "a couple".
That weekend he didn't exactly prove himself as a boyfriend. Long story short, we somehow ended up at a titty bar. Thanks to his friend who was dating one of the dancers. And a girl immediately gave him a lapdance, which he could've easily avoided if he just stuffed money in her bra, and I could've also said "No honey, I can do the same for free. BYE." Apparently me sitting in his lap wasn't obvious enough to her to leave us alone. So I can now say I've been to a titty bar, but I'm still not a fan. Although one of the girls was very impressed with my pool skills, while K. continually called me "Paul Newman" the whole evening since I was making trick shots. Later on while hanging out with a seedy character the boys were too drunk to avoid talking to (while I developed some salty language talking to him, that wasn't enough to get this guy away) - K. suddenly refers to me as his "P.Y.T." (Pretty Young Thing). I sat up with a start, not expecting the cutesy nicknames already. He also already had called me his "Special Lady Friend". I honestly preferred those to anything sappier and certainly more fun than just plain old "girlfriend".
Next couple of weeks were pretty great, between him coming home with me to meet my folks (and the added bonus of sharing a full bed rather than a twin), then bringing him to karaoke to meet one of my friends - and K. brought the house down with Backstreet Boys' "Everybody". Then he was gone for about a week to visit his sister, and upon his return we suddenly felt a bit closer again...and then I was getting annoyed with him. I started to feel that we were past this "honeymoon" phase, and now it was the "What now?" phase. I'm always nervous since I never make it past that point. Sure enough, I get mad at him for changing our date plans at the last minute and again going with what his friends want to do (in this case: drinking in Rittenhouse at 5 PM.) I got sick for the first time in 4 years from drinking, which he teased me about - "We went barhopping, 3 mojitos, a rum and coke, and you didn't get sick!" And I reminded him that on our first date, he was sick at one point from drinking a single 40. LAME. A couple days later, he calls and says "So...how do you feel about us?" While I wasn't feeling great about "us", I wanted to be the one to bring it up, dammit! I still got upset even though I kinda was ready for this fling to end. I basically said it was fun, but we've hit that plateau, and I wasn't happy with how he didn't really keep my tastes in mind. His excuse was that he didn't know what to call me. I replied that I liked his nicknames for me, but if you don't see me as something serious...Next day we still had lunch and drinks, just to tie up some loose ends as it were. Lately I've seen that the slow-growing mustache he was working on is UGGGGLLLLY now; his sister has even referred to him as "fucking hipster".
We never said the L word, so I think that's why this didn't sting when we split - it was also mutual. BIG DIFFERENCE. Two of my closest friends, upon hearing about it, said the following:
1. "Well, it sounds like you had lots of fun...but I don't see romance here." Insert my "AHA!" moment of why I wasn't upset with us splitting.
2. "Think of it like an 'exclusive friends-with-benefits' thing. Not really passionate, but at least you cared enough to be monogamous. And you learned what? That fun is necessary for a partner, but also MATURITY. You still want a serious relationship." Thus she pointed out the flaw in almost everyone I've gotten somewhat involved with - they're always fun and active in some form, but definitely lacking in something important.
WHAT I LEARNED: I can be with somebody casually, though exclusivity is mandatory in my mind. While guys like girls who can be laid-back and "go with the flow", I can't be like that all the time in every situation.
NEXT TIME: Again, backtracking to guys from earlier this year. Realizing why I never liked goth guys; would-be nerds can be douchey too; and making unexpected friends through bad dates.
Our first 3 dates were fantastic, even though they were extremely casual. Maybe that's what I liked about them. He made me laugh like very few people do - to the point of tears. Went for drinks, and he invited me to the house that he was watching and dogsitting (for a wealthy couple down toward South Street). Met a couple of his friends, played Wii, blared music, and just talked. Stayed over, and I walked him to work where he kissed me before I went off to my mom's office. Surprisingly he called me the next day and we talked for a couple of hours. Next day was Easter, he texted to check in and asked if I wanted to meet him the next day after he was off work to hang at the dogsitting house. We watched the Phillies lose on TV, started watching a movie and immediately got distracted.
Spent the majority of the next day together, going to breakfast (where he decided he needed to tell me his entire romantic history...retrograde RED FLAG!), hanging out, and again he kissed me before hopping on the trolley to his apartment. Then the NEXT night called to say he didn't have work the following day; did I want to stay over? I of course did. So I arrived, and the second I entered his room it started POURING outside. We started by watching "Purple Rain" as it had become a source of hilarity between us.
A short while later, being shy to ask "are we dating or what" (but figuring, accurately, that I WAS the only girl he was seeing since he was working otherwise), I offhandedly asked "So...ARE you seeing anyone else?" He said no, I said the same, and didn't push the issue. Two days later we had a crazy evening of barhopping where I got a little sloppy, but we had LOTS of fun. He suddenly says "Thinking about what you said the other day - "
(And here my mind immediately went to worst-case scenario, "HE'SALREADYBREAKINGTHISOFFOHGODWHY")
"-I'm having fun, I like you, and I want to be exclusive. What do you think?" I thought for a second and went "Uhhhh, yes!" Thus began and ended the only serious convo we had as "a couple".
That weekend he didn't exactly prove himself as a boyfriend. Long story short, we somehow ended up at a titty bar. Thanks to his friend who was dating one of the dancers. And a girl immediately gave him a lapdance, which he could've easily avoided if he just stuffed money in her bra, and I could've also said "No honey, I can do the same for free. BYE." Apparently me sitting in his lap wasn't obvious enough to her to leave us alone. So I can now say I've been to a titty bar, but I'm still not a fan. Although one of the girls was very impressed with my pool skills, while K. continually called me "Paul Newman" the whole evening since I was making trick shots. Later on while hanging out with a seedy character the boys were too drunk to avoid talking to (while I developed some salty language talking to him, that wasn't enough to get this guy away) - K. suddenly refers to me as his "P.Y.T." (Pretty Young Thing). I sat up with a start, not expecting the cutesy nicknames already. He also already had called me his "Special Lady Friend". I honestly preferred those to anything sappier and certainly more fun than just plain old "girlfriend".
Next couple of weeks were pretty great, between him coming home with me to meet my folks (and the added bonus of sharing a full bed rather than a twin), then bringing him to karaoke to meet one of my friends - and K. brought the house down with Backstreet Boys' "Everybody". Then he was gone for about a week to visit his sister, and upon his return we suddenly felt a bit closer again...and then I was getting annoyed with him. I started to feel that we were past this "honeymoon" phase, and now it was the "What now?" phase. I'm always nervous since I never make it past that point. Sure enough, I get mad at him for changing our date plans at the last minute and again going with what his friends want to do (in this case: drinking in Rittenhouse at 5 PM.) I got sick for the first time in 4 years from drinking, which he teased me about - "We went barhopping, 3 mojitos, a rum and coke, and you didn't get sick!" And I reminded him that on our first date, he was sick at one point from drinking a single 40. LAME. A couple days later, he calls and says "So...how do you feel about us?" While I wasn't feeling great about "us", I wanted to be the one to bring it up, dammit! I still got upset even though I kinda was ready for this fling to end. I basically said it was fun, but we've hit that plateau, and I wasn't happy with how he didn't really keep my tastes in mind. His excuse was that he didn't know what to call me. I replied that I liked his nicknames for me, but if you don't see me as something serious...Next day we still had lunch and drinks, just to tie up some loose ends as it were. Lately I've seen that the slow-growing mustache he was working on is UGGGGLLLLY now; his sister has even referred to him as "fucking hipster".
We never said the L word, so I think that's why this didn't sting when we split - it was also mutual. BIG DIFFERENCE. Two of my closest friends, upon hearing about it, said the following:
1. "Well, it sounds like you had lots of fun...but I don't see romance here." Insert my "AHA!" moment of why I wasn't upset with us splitting.
2. "Think of it like an 'exclusive friends-with-benefits' thing. Not really passionate, but at least you cared enough to be monogamous. And you learned what? That fun is necessary for a partner, but also MATURITY. You still want a serious relationship." Thus she pointed out the flaw in almost everyone I've gotten somewhat involved with - they're always fun and active in some form, but definitely lacking in something important.
WHAT I LEARNED: I can be with somebody casually, though exclusivity is mandatory in my mind. While guys like girls who can be laid-back and "go with the flow", I can't be like that all the time in every situation.
NEXT TIME: Again, backtracking to guys from earlier this year. Realizing why I never liked goth guys; would-be nerds can be douchey too; and making unexpected friends through bad dates.
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