I'm Making a List, I'm Checking it Twice: Dating Standards

First off, a mini-update: On the day of my date with the French boy lately, I get a text from B. for the first time in over a week. Saying the following: "Good day! I have something to tell you. We're done." I laughed, deleted the text, and deleted his number. Hoo boy, he was NOT on the ball with that..."we" never existed. Whatever this was has been "done" for a while! Boys are silly. Then the date with the French boy, M., was great. We just talked, geeked out about music and movies, and continue to do so. Only had hugs so far...but he's asked me out again. I win.

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Now, after some demand, the discussion of "being picky" in dating. I was told, time and time again, throughout high school and college that I was just "too picky". I liked a good number of boys throughout high school; it wasn't like I eternally had my nose in the air. They never went anywhere, and the constant explanation I heard from my peers was "your standards are too high". O RLY? I recently flipped through my diary (haha), and found my "standards" list from that point in time: "smart", "silly", "cute", "British", "nice"...that was about it, really. PRETTY NORMAL. Even then I knew that my fantasy Englishman may be more difficult to find. 

More recently, in all my adventures in dating, the grand majority of people I dated just within 2011 were totally not in that list. They may have been silly and cute...but that was IT. Not necessarily smart, not necessarily nice...certainly not "mature". That's been a new addition to my "standards" list. So with M. and the other retro boy I've met lately, they are the exact kind of men I've been seeking for quite a while. My standards haven't really changed; I just apparently was testing them to go "What happens when the men don't satisfy all of them..." And you know what's waiting outside of that list? DISASTER (for me, anyway.)

So, what is "TOO picky"? Here are my definitions ----

-if you have a list of standards beyond 8 characteristics. Obviously you should have things in common, that doesn't need to be in your list. Personal things like "good family & friends" should also go without saying (preferably.) But if you're including things like "money", "background", "what they wear", "where they're from", etc - then you need to trim down your list!

-I used to not like boys with long(ish) hair. Then C. came along. And a few others since then. I'm not talking waist-long hippie hair, but I'm talking length just past the ears (i.e. mid-'60s Beatle style). No boys with crew-cuts for me either; that's a giant reason I'm glad we're not in the 1950s. One should be open to change, both with yourself and a potential partner.

-A female stand-up comedian, (can't think of her name), has a routine about how "when I was in my 20s, I went through men like tissues. 'He's too poor! He's too fat! He's not rich enough! He only has an apartment!' Now in my 40s I'm scrounging through my trashcan - 'where's the guy who liked me too much?!'" Another stand-up, Sue Murphy I think, has her own take: "When I was younger, my list of standards was 'Handsome, rich, well-educated'...now I'm down to, pft, 'registered voter'." Point is, apparently our 20s is the time to be picky, but know that this pickyness will come to bite us in the ass if we don't become realistic.

Admittedly, part of the reason you (or a friend) may think you're too picky is because you're still stuck on somebody else. So if you're looking around, you automatically compare somebody new to your old flame. Due to that remaining attachment, you turn down anybody else since you want to "be free" for whenever your old boy/girl comes sweeping back into your life. HUMONGOUS PROBLEM. I'm guilty of it attempting to get over C. (though I also suffered from a crippling fear of rejection so soon after some major heartbreak.) But as time goes on, you forget all your favorite things about the old flame...and realize ALL the negatives. Then you start weeding out people who share those traits - whether it's pretentiousness (a pet peeve of mine, whereas I thought it was charming at first. Try dating somebody pretentious and see how quickly YOU get annoyed), people who aren't motivated, etc. In short: it may seem like you suddenly are *more* picky, but in fact you're focusing more on people you *do* want to date instead of people who will easily waste your time.   

WHAT I LEARNED: My standards were never high at all. Apparently they were high for the boys I went to school with (whoops), but now meeting other people, the standards are exactly what they should be for me. Each person needs to develop their own must-haves and problems within the relationship realm.

NEXT TIME: On to lamenting my job search! And boy updates, if necessary. 

Red Flags at Night, Red Flags at Night...whoa oh, whoa oh

Happy New Year everyone! So a quick update on the infamous C.: I happened to see his dating profile again (browsing anonymously; oh isn't the internet a wonderfully stalkerish thing!) - and he is ENGAGED. But then he says he's exclusively dating her obviously...so why keep the page up? WHAT THE WHAT. Oh well, if they're happy, who am I to rain on their parade? Strange how he simultaneously makes me cringe and still gives me a pang of heartbreak even though it's been quite a while since we last saw each other (where I impressed him with my makeout skills, knowing it'd be the last time, haha.)

Anyway. The boy I'd mentioned that apparently REALLY LIKED ME lately turned out to be too clingy. We shall refer to him as "B". I usually don't have to mention that I'm dating around still, except that by our 2nd date he made it obvious that he wasn't seeing anybody else. Shit. So I had to say "Cool it, I'm not exclusive". He was ok with that; and I honestly didn't find him attractive. Nice to talk to, but that was about it. I was carrying most of the conversation, and he was acting like I was the coolest girl ever (which is possible, but really?) Eventually after we finally made out (all his idea, trust me) - I was not feeling it, still. I reminded him as he got sappy that I'm still not exclusive...and he freaked out. Sending me an essay on Gchat. RED FLAG.

Speaking of RED FLAGS: here's a list to watch out for, for both girls and guys (note: these may be just my opinions, so please formulate your own must-haves and "problem" lists) ~
-if the person in question lists God/the Bible/Jesus as an important daily thing in their lives. I'm not one for religion, spirituality being something I'm still determining for myself. I don't want that pressure.
-if you start chatting to someone and they IMMEDIATELY ask about your dating past. I try to evade the questions, and if they persist...then I stop talking. Previous relationships ended for a REASON, and now this conversation is ending for a reason!
-again, clingyness. Or wanting to be in a relationship ASAP. If you both feel a connection it's a different story, but otherwise...NO! Run away!

For your well-being in the dating world, I'd recommend what has helped me deal with all this craziness: BEING BUSY. Whether with work, school, hobbies, or whatever, it keeps me from getting hung up on people all the time again, and seeing things that aren't there. It also is simply more interesting to a prospective date that you *have a life*. My only concern for myself is IF I meet a special someone finally...will I be able to keep focused on everything else and not do what I did with C. and completely lose my mind? Again I think of the Helen Gurley Brown quote - "A man should be an addition to your life, not the ONLY thing."

Currently, I already have been asked out by two different other boys - one French, the other a 2nd date with a fabulously retro gent. So we shall see where those go.

New Years' was spent with friends upstate, who I love dearly. And for the 2nd year in a row, I ring in the new year being flirted with by a guy who is very not-single - and I can't really complain since his girlfriend is like my twin. Or CAN I complain because of that?

Lastly: even with the simplicity of online dating, I'm not discounting flirting with strangers in "real life". I did so at a double-feature B-movie thing this past weekend, without speaking to the cutie. We smiled as we parted ways (after "accidentally" having our legs touching throughout the movies), and he winked as I passed in the lobby. I'm planning to go all-out at an '80s dance party THIS weekend, and to flirt continually.

WHAT I LEARNED: I'm finally putting into practice what I should've done all along - don't get too attached before you know the whole story. I did give B. numerous dates to see if I was making a snap judgement, and nope, I just was not feeling that connection. It wasn't fair to either of us to keep going, and he may have just figured that out himself. Also, flirting is awesome.

NEXT TIME: How picky is "too picky"? Why being yourself is better than being somebody who just wants to please everyone else.